Under The Dragon’s Tail
With the exception of an occasional passing reference, I’ve never really mentioned my work in this blog.
I am a junior clerical bio-botanical physicist in what was, up until recently, a government-funded laboratory. As we routinely used animals in our experiments (though in entirely humane ways I might add, no smoking beagles here) we often have to deal with quite a lot of protesters congregating outside. Our funding was pulled just over a year ago though and my boss, Dr Proteus decided to look elsewhere for finance.
Dr Proteus is without doubt the most intelligent man I have ever met, whose polymathic genius is matched in scale only by his apparent contempt for me. It was he that first struck upon our latest research project, the brilliance of which both astounds and disturbs me. Faced with pressure from Animal Rights groups, a lack of funding and looming debts, Dr Proteus did what all great men do in these situations. He offered our services to the highest bidder and hang the ethics. Sure enough we were soon being funded by a large international corporation, though what possible interest they could have in Dr Proteus’ unusual proposal I have yet to fathom.
Our facility is somewhat interesting, in that it is set up specifically to approach projects from a multidisciplinary perspective. We have physicists, molecular biologists, behavioural psychologists, botanists, geneticists and a whole range of other scientific disciplines represented, some of whom work for us on a pro rata basis and some of whom are permanent staff like me. Dr Proteus is a great believer in employing staff who are flexible across many disciplines. For instance I am a junior clerical bio-botanical physicist so my job incorporates elements of biology, botany, physics, mathematics and typing. This means that any time the facility has been under financial threat, Dr Proteus has been able to change the shape of our entire operation with consummate ease, ensuring our continued survival as a centre for scientific excellence.
Our most recent metamorphosis has worried me slightly however. You see, what Dr Proteus realised was that we had a vast resource of potential subjects right on our doorstep. Literally on our doorstep, shouting, chanting and waving placards. Our studies are now almost entirely focused on the animal rights protesters that congregate outside the lab. We now have a huge range of studies and experiments on protesters in progress and ironically, all the animals we do have in the labs are kept in very humane conditions.
Test Group 5C - Nil By Mouth
Apart from the fact that this seems a very strange subject for serious scientific study, there are two things that are really worrying me about this project. One is that all the different departments are being kept in the dark about what the other departments are working on, which is unheard of at our facility and seems a little too reminiscent of The Manhattan Project for my liking. The other is that we haven’t been told what the overall aim of the project is and repeated enquiries have only led to thinly veiled threats from Dr Proteus. I’ve been in a quandary for the last two weeks over whether or not to try to find out more. I could lose my job if I get caught snooping but on the other hand can I continue to work in place whose ethics I have no reassurance of? At least when we were testing on animals I knew that people were getting good antiperspirant protection as a result. I was making the world a better smelling place.
I’ve decided I am going to get to the bottom of it all. I’ll let you know how I get on.
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Tags: animal rights, comedy, experiments, Humour, laboratory, protesters, science, testing
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