Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs

Posted February 16, 2010 by spider34
Categories: comedy, Humour, pet care

Tags: , , , ,

Remember I said that when I first picked him up, Richard had a vague smell that I couldn’t quite put my finger on?

Benson and Hedges.


Paragon of Animals

Posted February 16, 2010 by spider34
Categories: comedy, Humour, pet care

Tags: , , , ,

I had hoped that I would be beginning to bond with my new cat, Richard, by now. It doesn’t seem to be happening. Perhaps we just have contrary dispositions.

You may recall that I mentioned his dislike of all the cat accessories that I had bought with the name ‘Snowy’ on. Well, in deference to his obvious dislike for these items I painstakingly changed the name to Richard on everything with a Sharpie marker pen. I even sewed a piece of material over the word ‘Snowy’ on his little cat bed and put a print out of ‘Richard’ on a piece of card above it, though admittedly this fell down in the night causing him to scream and whine for over an hour, even after I had removed it. I knew when I looked in his eyes that something was fermenting in that malevolent brain.

This morning when I woke up I realised that Richard must have had quite a busy night. He had pinned a piece of material over the prize artwork hanging above my bed (viewable here ) and written on it, in surprisingly precise script, the word ‘Wanker’.

Stepping into the kitchen I discovered that he had scrawled the word ‘Tossrocket’ on my favourite chair in permanent marker and smeared the words ‘Dick Face’ in what I can only hope is chocolate, on my box of Fruit and Fibre.

I left him watching Bill Turnbull and Sian Williams on BBC Breakfast and set off for work at the lab. As I stepped outside I saw that all of his ‘Snowy’ accessories had been piled on top of the wheely bins and discovered the words ‘Testicle Brain’ scrawled across the back seat of my Fiat Pinto.

Well, never let it be said that I can’t take a hint. I have just bought a whole job lot of plain accessories in the hope that this will placate him. I wonder if all cats are this difficult? I have a nasty feeling about what I might arrive home to find tonight.

Looking for Richard

Posted February 15, 2010 by spider34
Categories: Humour, pet care, Uncategorized

Tags: , ,

So today I went and picked up my new kitten.

When I arrived at the sanctuary I was introduced to a number of cats that the ‘Rehomer’ thought would be suitable, but I didn’t really feel like I connected with any of them. Eventually I was shown to a pen with two kittens, one the cutest little snow white fellow curled up timidly in the corner, and the other a slightly scruffy looking creature with an evil look in his eye and a vague aroma that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  Looking out from behind bars with murder in his eyes, the mangy little devil reminded me of my sister, so  I immediately pointed ‘Snowy’ out to the Rehomer, who seemed surprised but directed me back to her office nonetheless.

Well, I won’t bore you with the details of filling out forms but as you can imagine I was looking forward with great excitement to the day I would be able to pick up my cute new companion. Therefore I was more than a little surprised when I was presented with his mangy, malevolent co-habiter. It turns out that, through some sort of administrative error, Snowy had been rehomed with the wrong family while I had been left with the other sorry specimen.

As always I decided to make the best of it, so I took the little chap home and tried to make him as welcome as possible. Unfortunately all the accessories that I have bought over the last week have the name ‘Snowy’ on them and I can’t really call him that. I’ve never seen a colour less like snow than his fur, unless it was snow that had fallen on a cow field and then been driven over several times by a tank.

As I said, he reminded me of my sister Judith, so I decided to call him Richard. Somehow it suited him. I’ve always distrusted Richards. Except Cliff Richard, but that’s his surname so that’s alright.

Richard seems quite distrustful of me too, though I’m hoping this is just an initial phase that we will pass through, to find a future of mutually fulfilling  companionship together.

He also appears to be snubbing all the ‘Snowy’ cat accessories that I have bought. If I didn’t know better I would say that he senses the meaning of the words somehow, maybe by some curious feline intuition. I wonder if it would help if I covered up the words or replaced them with his name? I think I’ll give that a try and let you know how I get on.