Posted tagged ‘drugs’

You are deceived. Your brother Richard hates you.

March 11, 2010

Perhaps this is an oxymoron, but I am becoming increasingly convinced that Richard is waging an active campaign of passive aggressiveness against me. Perhaps this is just a normal experience for first time cat owners such as myself. Perhaps Richard is simply asserting a feline prerogative that comes naturally to him. Perhaps replacing my contact lens solution with a mixture of Deep Heat and Loctite is normal behaviour for a cat his age.

Whatever the reasons for his obvious pleasure in my discomfort, I can’t help but wonder why he even stays around, given that he clearly has an intense dislike of me, the house and it’s décor. He has already taken possession of and redecorated the spare room. I was going to turn that into a hobby room, if I ever got a hobby.

Where he got the Zebra from is anyones guess

Personally, I blame the internet. He’s on there morning, noon and night recently. Whether it’s internet gambling (he’s steadily amassing a worryingly large fortune), looking at ‘lolcats’ pictures or the other website that he’s always on but closes as soon as I come in the room, I can’t get five minutes on the computer at the moment. I’ve been wanting to check my emails all week to find out if my Daniel O’Donnell CD has been posted yet.

You may think that it is paranoid to believe that my cat is out to get me, but let me just explain some of the things he has done.

  • He has left me little dirty presents all around the house, which I know is simply to annoy me because he is perfectly capable of using the toilet.

I can't shake the feeling that this peculiar arrangement means something

  • He hides things that he knows I will need, such as my car keys, my mobile phone and my insulin.
  • He ties my shoelaces together. Fairly trivial you might think, except that he ties them around my ankles and wrists while I sleep. How I don’t wake up I have no idea. Perhaps it’s something to do with the bottle of Flunitrazepam that I found in his room. God knows what else he does while I’m sleeping the sleep of the date raped.
  • You know the old saying “look what the cat dragged in”? Last week he dragged in 3 prostitutes, 2 drug addicts, a drunk Dutch couple travelling around Europe on their bicycles and Michael Barrymore.

Yes, you read that correctly, Michael Barrymore. I have no idea how that came about but he was the worst of the lot. If you can imagine having a Morris Dancer performing in your house for three days solid,  spouting gobbledegook and stopping randomly to weep like a  wounded child, then you’ll probably have a fair idea of what it was like. Richard, when he was there, seemed to be taking great enjoyment in the whole thing. I suspect that it was more my general unhappiness that amused him than the lunatic bouncing around the house like an orangutan on a pogo stick. I sensed Richard was becoming bored by the third day and Barrymore abruptly disappeared. There’s a freshly covered over patch of earth in the back garden which I’m scared to investigate further.

Twat

Richard’s gone out for a while, giving me the rare chance to access the computer and what do I discover? He’s cancelled my Daniel O’Donnell CD and ordered the entire back catalogue of some band called ‘Type O Negative’. I’m hoping that they are in a similar vein to Daniel’s velvety lilting tones or I shall be very peeved.

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